I received an email from a precious friend this morning.  I feel like her questions are something that all of us moms have thought about and struggle with so I am sharing her question and my reply.

Hey Candy,

Since the day you talked at church I wanted to pick your brain a bit about some of the things you talked about.  With our daughter starting Jr. High, I am really struggling with several things. I know part of it is just me learning to let go a bit…I just don’t want to.  I love my chicks being in the nest and learning to fly is not really what I want.  But yet it is what I want, necessary, and important.  I just have to channel it right.

Our daughter wants to spend a lot of time in her room.  We don’t like it.  I know that a little down time is good, but we don’t want to her to just retreat to her room and stay there.  What do you think is a sufficient amount of time to allow kids to be in their room?  Do you all have “rules” for social life/friends?  She has just become so absorbed with her friends this year.  No, not bad.  Just “feels” like family has become less important to her and friends more important.  I have thoughts, but I don’t want to be unreasonable and ridiculous.  I am not kidding…I would love to be selfish and keep them all home all the time.  I love them being home!!!  But I know this isn’t reasonable or right.  So I just wanted to pick your brain.  Please share any mothering idea/thoughts with me.  I am just struggling right now!!  I want to enjoy this phase of raising a teenager, but having a hard time.  Please share your wisdom!!!”

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This is tough and something all parents deal with…the balance between our teens’ social life and a healthy interaction with family.  I love having my kids home too and I want them to enjoy time with family.  One thing Brian and I have learned along the way is that it is much easier to delay things than it is to allow them and try to pull back.

So here are just some guidelines we use.
<ol>
<li>We really don’t spend the night.  Now I wouldn’t say that we “never” allow it, but it is few and far between.   So many things go on in other people’s home that we have no control over.  It isn’t that we don’t trust the parents of our children’s friends. It is that I feel like you should have a blast and have fun until bed time.  But then come home.</li>
<li>I also tell the kids that we want equal time.  So if you go to Susie’s house this time, next time she needs to come here.  The thing is as teenagers, they are naturally drawn to homes where there is less supervision.  If you have a teen always want to be at a particular friend’s house that should at least raise an eyebrow.  Equal time at your house is important in keeping strong relationship with your kids’ friends too.  You want to know your teen’s friends and you want them to know you.</li>
<li>Lastly regarding friends, we try not to let friend time become consuming.  I know parents who literally let their kids spend the weekend with friends.  Our rule is you can spend one evening a week with friends.  And we don’t police that really heavily, but it’s nice to have in place if it really starts to get overwhelming.  Now if there is time after school and before dinner, I almost always will let my kids hang out with friends riding bikes, playing catch or volleyball, etc.</li>
<li>As far as time in their room…I don’t let the kids have phones, TVs or computers in there for the very reason you expressed.  We want them out and interacting with us. 🙂  So a little time before bed, reading or listening to music I think is awesome but otherwise, I like interaction.</li>
</ol>
We all have to do what we feel like is the best thing for our teens and our families.  Hope these ideas give you something to think about!

Love, Candy